If you’ve lived life feeling invisible, or even feeling a quiet desperation that comes from being lonely in a crowd, this clip might help.
This is probably one of the most common challenges I help clients with. It is a foundational piece of my work, in terms of helping people move through the flatness into lives that are meaningful, juicy, connected and inspired.
Energetically, many people had childhoods that were technically OK but not great. Maybe things looked just fine from the outside — a roof over your head, enough to eat, getting a good education, etc. Nobody was technically abused. But something still felt “off” inside.
I see this pattern in many clients who are struggling to find purpose and connection in life. They often feel frustrated and guilty about feeling flat inside because they don’t know why, or what’s missing. On the outside, everything might even look great. And on the inside, people feel guilty that they aren’t happier or more grateful, given all they have. And they don’t know why they still feel disconnected inside.
If this is you, don’t worry, you’re not alone. The reason why it doesn’t “make sense” to people, no matter how hard they try to analyze things, is because this is fundamentally an energetic issue, not so much a psychological one. People often try to understand their childhood and their relationship with their parents through a cognitive lens. But energetically, it comes down to whether or not you got enough attunement in your life early on, which is quite different than parental attention.
Attunement early on in life is so important to developing a stronger sense of self. It cannot come from ourselves at birth. No one is born having any sense of their own attunement. It’s not possible. We rely on relationship with someone else, usually a parent, to develop this awareness. We need someone else to attune to us before we can attune to anyone else in life. I call attunement the energetic process of developing a sense of your unique existence. Not just your physical presence or you psychological makeup. Attunement means someone early on saw your uniqueness and brought it out in you when you could not yet see this for yourself. It is so important to people developing a good sense of self.
Most parenting advice still tends to be more cognitive, with focusing a lot on parents being attentive. But quantity of attention is less important than people assume. Attunement is a different distinction. And it’s not based on amount of time or energy a parent spends with a child..
For example, you may have gotten a lot of attention from your parents when you were younger. Plenty, even. But if it wasn’t the kind of attention you wanted, something got missed.
It’s like getting fed a lot of carrots when you really would have preferred pears. You tried to tell someone you wanted pears, but no one noticed, and you got more carrots.
And then over time, you stopped asking for pears. You just ate carrots.
Sometimes there are logistical reasons for lack of attunement. In families with many children, often times parents may inadvertently tend to treat all children the same. There are limits to their time and energy, and parents may be too exhausted to do more. But there is a big difference between treating children the same and treating them equally. Because no two children are the same, they need different kinds of attention. Attunement requires parents to provide a uniquely different response back to each child’s energetic signal.
In families where there has been trauma, parents are often unable to hold the focus, discernment or curiousity to know who their own children are and provide the unique attunement their children need. The parents are often distracted, going through the expected motions of parenting, or do not have the skills themselves.
Attunement takes noticing and discernment. It isn’t simply providing for a child. It’s noticing the unique ping and pattern that comes back from each child. What does the child prefer? What makes them so unique, and how can you bring it out more? People who don’t have a sense of their own uniqueness often struggle to connect with it in their children. This can result in people feeling flat inside of never being fully seen or understood, even if things look good on the outside.
This process of finding your unique song, your unique energetic signature is what I specialize in. Don’t worry if you didn’t find it earlier on. You can find it now. Life is short and we only have the present moment. If you’re feeling stuck, give me a shout if you’d like to have a conversation around stepping into your full potential. You are worth it.